Update... Long time coming

HEY!
So obviously I haven't blogged recently, but I wanna do it more. Its a good way to work out my feelings especially at this point in my life, so here I go again...
Now, its been almost 2 years since I last told you of my dating woes. 2 years is a long time. One could reason that I probably dated a lot in that time but the truth is I didnt. Its pathetic, I know. But I am being honest. I dated a cop like a year and a half ago for a few months but he was a moron and I dont talk to him anymore. He did let me watch Twilight though. Twice in a row. Yep. Then this past month I was introduced to a guy through my bestie's mom, but the problem is he is 5 years older than me, divorced, and basically said that he wasnt about to deal with me and my migraine/health so peace out, bro.

There, now you are all caught up. Depressing, huh? So yea, thats all I really got right now. I think I am starting to give up on finding any guy for me. It feels like something that is so far from my reach that I look like a fool even dwelling on it. I wouldn't even call it jaded, rather rational. I have been on planet earth for almost 30 (CHOKE~) years but have never found anyone I thought really could be my love. I get cheesy when I talk about this stuff but thats just how it goes. So in lieu of rambling on and on, I will bid you aideu and we shall chat soon.

Update

So, remember the party booth guy from the previous blog? Well he called me. Can you believe he had the nerve to call me? I answered and I said "Why are you calling me?" and he said "Because I told you I would, I want to go out" and I said "Um, yea. Your WIFE called me" and he is all "My WHO?? I dont have a wife!" Yea, I dont buy that. So then I said "Furthermore, my friend (the bride) called you TWICE on two different days to check on her pictures and you preteneded you didnt know what she was talking about. That is not cool at all." So then he gives me the excuse. Wait for it.... He tells me that he and his brother have the same name so the "wife" must have been his BROTHERS wife, and when the bride called, someone else must have answered BOTH TIMES. Makes sense, right? NOPE! Needless to say I told him not to call me again, and he ended the call by saying "I have to get to the bottom of this, I have no idea whats going on" Yea, I am sure you have NO idea...

And just for fun, he called me againt this morning at about 7:15am. Luckily I am at work and didnt answer. He left no message, bummer. It would have been fun to dictate another one of his messages!

Anyway, thats all for now. PEACE!

Timbalands and Girbauds? Really???

So I want to make something clear- I am not single because I don't try, I DO put myself out there and meet people. A few weekends ago I was at my friends bachelorette party and ended up meeting a nice guy who I talked to all night long. We added each other on facebook, exchanged numbers, and said we would talk again soon. Not so much. After all that talk he ended up not calling me at all, so I bit the bullet and texted him. He texted back but it was all small talk and then........ nothing. NOTHING. I decided to not worry about it, but I cant say it didn't bother me when I saw his facebook status changed to "In a Relationship" this weekend. It just reminds me how forgettable I am. Yea yea I know it wasn't meant to be, but still! Just a brutal reminder.

So then this weekend at the wedding for that bachelorette, there was some drama. My friend ordered a photo booth to come to her wedding reception so the wedding guests could get their pictures taken and the bride and groom would have fun keepsakes to take home. WELL, they were supposed to arrive at 4:30pm to set up so that it was all ready to go when the guests began to arrive, but lo and behold come 5:30pm, no one is there! So I began calling the company and long story short, the person that was supposed to be at the wedding was MIA so they made some arrangements and promised a new person would come by 8:00pm- FOR FREE (Thank you very much). Well after 9:00pm the photo booth finally arrived.

Let me back up a little- because this photo booth person was coming on short notice, he didn't have directions to the reception so I had to walk him through it. I told him where to turn and all so when he pulled up in his hoopty car he steps out and says "DAMN- you re who I have been talking to?!?" And I said "You're 5 hours late, I don't have time for this!" Then I helped carry in the photo booth and helped put it together because I knew the bride (one of my best friends) was really upset it was so late. Once the booth was finally up and running, the loser attendant talked me into taking pics with him to test out the colors, so I did. (See the pic below for proof).

Anyway, toward the end of the night, this guy texted me (since he had my number from my calling him for directions) and here is his text, word for word:
"When are you free? I work daytime but maybe we can do a carriage ride downtown one evening over a candlelit. Unless you want the opposite. Don't get it twisted I can get gutter and drink a forty with you. Just want you to know im hood but I dont have to show it. So whenever you are down I am just tell me whether you are down I am just tell me whether its suit and tie, or timbalands and girbauds I can adapt."

Ok, I don't expect that much but COME ON! This is what I get? Wow. Now, just when you think it cant get worse, it does. I had like 3 missed calls that night and 2 more the next morning all from a blocked number. I just ignored them since no one left a message, but later they did leave a message. I assumed it was this guy, but alas it was not. Here is what the message said (again word for word)
"Hey I guess your name is Josie or whatever, I don't mean no disrespect for calling you but you been talking to my husband **** and I am just calling to let you know that, er, you will get ahold of him better than I am- you're probably with him now. Tell him that I reported my car stolen and I want my phone and whatever. Y'all can be together-happy, whatever!"
Thats right! His WIFE called me! WIFE!!!!!! I would NEVER dream of trying to get with a married man and on top of that I was never interested in this dude! Gimme a break!

So alas, this is my life. This is why I am alone.... this is the caliber of guy I get. Thanks a lot world! What did I ever do to you??? Seriously!

Ugh! Brace yourself...

I can't believe how utterly stupid I feel when I realize how much of my time I spend obsessing about being single. I don't just think about the fact that I am alone, I look at other people and wonder if they are in a relationship, why they get to have a boyfriend and I don't. I think about when, if ever, I will get a boyfriend and what that person is doing right this very moment. I daydream about what our kids will look like and what kind of wedding we will have. I think about the pet names we will call eachother like "honey", and "sweetie". I think about the simple things we will do, like go for a drive in the car and what it will feel like to look to my side and not see an empty seat but a guy smiling back at me. What will that feel like? I can't wait to have a boyfriend I can bring with me to weddings. We can hold hands during the ceremony and I will dream of walking down the aisle to him waiting for me someday. I want to help dress him up, tie his tie, button his shirt up and admire how well he "cleans up". I wonder what song we will share our "first dance" to? Will it be a song that is over-the-top cheesy? Or will it be one that we have listened to many times before imagining this moment. Will he cry when he sees me walk down the aisle in my white dress? How will he propose? What will he say? Is he the type that will make a big spectacle of it and do it in public, or will it be in a cozy candlelit room with only him and me there? To kiss him in the morning when his beard has grown out enough to feel rough, but to still keep kissing him anyway because I just want to be near him. I wonder how it will feel to realize one day how much I trust and love this person and want to be with them for all of eternity. I can't wait to cook his favorite food and eat with him in our home. I want to see his reaction when we find out we are having our first child, and what his face will look like when that child is born. Will he cry? Scream with excitement? Become somber? As our child and maybe children grow older, will he coach their soccer team? I can see me on the sidelines cheering our team to victory as I keep watch over the water bottles. Will we go on wistful vacations to somewhere tropical or adventurous? Will he be confident when reading a map so we don't get lost? Maybe we will wind up in a small village outside of some foreign city and fall in love all over again. I can imagine him being a good 'ol Minnesota guy that goes hunting and fishing and even though he is with his guy friends will still call and tell me he loves me before bed. I think about the first time I meet his family and how nervous I will be- will they like me? How do I compare to his past girlfriends? What if they don't think I am good enough for him? Will he be the type of guy that reassures me that they love me and will take me in as part of them. Are we going to be that couple that is the envy of all the other couples because we have fun no matter what. We dance in the rain, don't get upset when things go wrong, enjoy each moment together and not take them for granted.

I feel like I have waited so long, paid my dues, and as India Arie says "I am ready for love" Uh oh, I feel another song lyric post coming on....

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

I swear, this isn't going to be one of "those" blogs

You know the kind- they quote songs all the time... Since this is brand new to me, I feel like quoting songs is easier for me to get started on the right foot since some songwriter poured their heart into pondering these issues. So, here is another one that prettymuch sums it up for me.

"I wanna Fall in Love" by Lila McCann

Look at me now
Won't you listen to my heart
Cryin' out loud
I've been standing in the dark

I want someone to show me the way
I'm lost on a lonely road
There must be a light at the end of the tunnel
Before I go out of control

I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that rush
Runnin' into my heart, shakin' up my soul
Feelin' like I've never felt before
I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that touch
I've only dreamed about it, I've been livin' without it
And that ain't good enough
I wanna fall in love

Somewhere out there
Someone else is searchin' like me
And I know he must be hurtin'
Maybe tonight he's walkin' down
The same road I've been takin'
And we'll meet up without even talkin'
And he'll know what I'm sayin'

I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that rush
Runnin' into my heart, shakin' up my soul
Feelin' like I've never felt before
I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that touch
I've only dreamed about it, I've been livin' without it
And that ain't good enough
I wanna fall in love

Maybe tonight he's walkin' down
The same road I've been takin'
And we'll meet up without even talkin'
And he'll know what I'm sayin'
I wanna fall. . .

I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that rush
Runnin' into my heart, shakin' up my soul
Feelin' like I've never felt before
I wanna fall in love
I wanna feel that touch
I've only dreamed about it, I've been livin' without it
And that ain't good enough
I wanna fall in love

Tell everyone to gather 'round

So, here I am again... blogging. This time it’s going to be a little different. I want to be honest and upfront about something’s, mainly the fact that I am single. I hate it, simply put. Some people are good at being single, they enjoy the freedom, the thrill of not having to answer to anyone, the independence. But me? Not so much. I am sick of this. I think 27 years of being single is a bit excessive and I am ready to move on.

I named my blog Blind Hearted Fool because of an old Bryan White song that I remember listening to when I was 15 thinking how it summed up my whole love life. And yet here I am, 12 years later, listening to the same song....

Blind hearted fool
by Bryan White

I made a promise to myself
Never again to get burned by someone else
Until you walked in
I felt the old magic begin
I felt the room startin' to spin
As my will came tumbling down

I can't help it if I'm blind hearted
Fallin' again
I can't help it if my life has started
Slowly cavin' in
And I keep on holdin' out for you
Oh, I guess I'm just a blind hearted fool

I've got to find a way to live, on my own
I need to find someone who'll give me
Love that's strong
It's like a race against time
Until your face enters my mind
And you still burn me to the ground

I can't help it if I'm blind hearted
Fallin' again
I can't help it if my life has started
Slowly cavin' in
And I keep on holdin' out for you
Oh, I guess I'm just a blind hearted fool

Tell everyone to gather 'round
They won't believe the view
They're looking at a blind hearted fool
Over you