Ugh! Brace yourself...

I can't believe how utterly stupid I feel when I realize how much of my time I spend obsessing about being single. I don't just think about the fact that I am alone, I look at other people and wonder if they are in a relationship, why they get to have a boyfriend and I don't. I think about when, if ever, I will get a boyfriend and what that person is doing right this very moment. I daydream about what our kids will look like and what kind of wedding we will have. I think about the pet names we will call eachother like "honey", and "sweetie". I think about the simple things we will do, like go for a drive in the car and what it will feel like to look to my side and not see an empty seat but a guy smiling back at me. What will that feel like? I can't wait to have a boyfriend I can bring with me to weddings. We can hold hands during the ceremony and I will dream of walking down the aisle to him waiting for me someday. I want to help dress him up, tie his tie, button his shirt up and admire how well he "cleans up". I wonder what song we will share our "first dance" to? Will it be a song that is over-the-top cheesy? Or will it be one that we have listened to many times before imagining this moment. Will he cry when he sees me walk down the aisle in my white dress? How will he propose? What will he say? Is he the type that will make a big spectacle of it and do it in public, or will it be in a cozy candlelit room with only him and me there? To kiss him in the morning when his beard has grown out enough to feel rough, but to still keep kissing him anyway because I just want to be near him. I wonder how it will feel to realize one day how much I trust and love this person and want to be with them for all of eternity. I can't wait to cook his favorite food and eat with him in our home. I want to see his reaction when we find out we are having our first child, and what his face will look like when that child is born. Will he cry? Scream with excitement? Become somber? As our child and maybe children grow older, will he coach their soccer team? I can see me on the sidelines cheering our team to victory as I keep watch over the water bottles. Will we go on wistful vacations to somewhere tropical or adventurous? Will he be confident when reading a map so we don't get lost? Maybe we will wind up in a small village outside of some foreign city and fall in love all over again. I can imagine him being a good 'ol Minnesota guy that goes hunting and fishing and even though he is with his guy friends will still call and tell me he loves me before bed. I think about the first time I meet his family and how nervous I will be- will they like me? How do I compare to his past girlfriends? What if they don't think I am good enough for him? Will he be the type of guy that reassures me that they love me and will take me in as part of them. Are we going to be that couple that is the envy of all the other couples because we have fun no matter what. We dance in the rain, don't get upset when things go wrong, enjoy each moment together and not take them for granted.

I feel like I have waited so long, paid my dues, and as India Arie says "I am ready for love" Uh oh, I feel another song lyric post coming on....

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready